Fell Out of Oz

by Christa Couture

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1.
Today is the last day I’m 23 But it’s been a good year (well, a good year for me) Gina beside me always it seemed We moved to the drive, we were living that dream Of eastside Vancouver, wrong side of the tracks, With the sun on our faces and the wind at our backs (and all that) But ever since I crossed the ocean, ever since I followed that impulsive notion That summer is so on my mind and I’m dreaming of those times… David he drives us to the lake for the day He’s Patrick Swayze I’m Jennifer Grey We’re weakened with laughter, I fall in the water I’m pushing down I want to touch the bottom I know that we’re young and it’s slipping away, but that was a very good day Today I turn 24; I turn in my bed and look at the floor To the pages I write on but they’re blown away The city being papered with the things I’ve been trying to say It’s been a month since I’ve been in this town Still don’t know which way’s up still don’t know which way’s down But as I’m starting another year, I’m happy to say I’m happy here Though that summer is still on my mind and I miss those times… That night at the railway club I am on stage Playing my happiness my wounds and my rage And the people are listening but it’s hard to say If they get what I’m saying or they just think I’m crazy I know that I’m young and it’s slipping away, but that was a very good day Where will I fall when thrown? Where will I call home? I know that you’re listening, but it’s hard to say If you get what I’m saying or they just think I’m crazy I know that I’m young and it’s slipping away, but today is a very good day.
2.
Day 4 03:58
I cannot sit still, I will twitch, and I will travel I am leaving what remains of me as I unravel I wandered through the side streets, fell in love with Amsterdam We weave through the canals as the lines across my hand In the sounds of early morning I am sleepless and inspired I am swimming in the city’s heat, I am fueling the fire It’s an insight, it’s the twilight, found somewhere in between The flight across the ocean and a pot infused dream Here I go (I am a bluebird, I am a blackbird, I can fly) He tells me that I’m solid says ‘will you come my way?” I wonder if he knew me better what else he’d have to say It’s a kiss to wake me up and a hand to help me down I am giddy with my freedom I am warming to my sound And it sounds like go, so here I go Thank you for starting me off and thank you for the invitation to join you The beauty of the people we meet Oh the beauty as they come, the beauty as they leave The moments in between carry me Immortal moments – the opera and the moon He goes there in a second, with his words I go there too The music fills my ears, the guitar circles the room It’s everybody’s story and everybody’s truth
3.
I Will 03:50
I open the floodgates on this; I open my mind too far, The ocean came between us and it made a star We wished upon it, we wished for love ‘Cause we like each other, but it’s not enough We were in the summer and the seasons go The leaves turn colour, we hang mistletoe With all this passing I am standing still You ask will I be waiting – yes I will I will always think of you fondly I will only get a little bit sad I will, if you don’t come back Well it’s out of habit when I make the call When I chase the rabbit and when I fall And I go down down into wonderland And I go down when you take my hand You were my first perfect, can I be blamed? Can I get a rain cheque, can I play the game? I’ll light the fire, compose the phrase I’ll join the choir, and sing your praise I’m not dying for this, I’m just trying for this I don’t want to miss another chance I will always think of you I will only get a little bit sad at the fact You don’t come back
4.
Scared, Too 04:58
You say my voice changed – that’s the smoke and whisky You say my heart changed – that’s the boy that kissed me In the back of a Cambridge pub, we were fighting for the same cause To be loved And that’s a good fight though at times it’s a bitter fight That will keep waking you up all hours of the night Saying you can’t sleep no, you can’t dream no There’s just too much to think about So I’m scared – it’s true Like everyone in this room must be scared too Aren’t you? See those boys with their cynical eyes and their false smiles They’re trying to bring out love down Resenting our happiness, doubting its innocence So we’ve got to be vigilant You say my voice changed – that’s the smoke and whisky You say my heart changed – that’s the girl that kissed me In the back of a black top cab We were fighting back
5.
Will you make it safe will you make it mine? Will you take another weight off me – I can’t carry I wasn’t meant to in this body I wasn’t meant to by the time I’m thirty I won’t carry The weight of the wait (I’m sure you’re packed for the road, I’m sure you’re packed for the cold) He tells me beauty’s in the symmetry So where’s the beauty in a girl like me? But he can’t answer Yes it’s always just a few more steps Yes it’s always just left right left But left don’t answer To be a bird and turn so suddenly (It’s the same thing every day in day out – waiting for a phone call) To go from so low to so high I would like that (Then in a moment when I hit the pavement day in day out – waiting for a fall) Will you take another weight off me, will you take me?
6.
What’s this growing inside her? Messin’ with her circuitry That one day will be standing beside her with the right to know She took the long way through the night to her heart To pose a question: can you play this part? And from the dark, the reply – no No I can’t make it through the wild Leave me tangled, save my child She’s running now to the water To wash away the hands of your father To wash away you But no matter what she tries she can’t seem to Yes you’re a runway and she’ll never come to land She’ll keep on circling she’s crashing on foreign sand Just try to understand – we all just do the best we can Give me time I will come and find you You will always be my baby And baby – forgive me ‘Cause I can’t make it through Leave me tangled, save you What’s this growing inside me? Messin’ with my circuitry That one day will be standing beside me, with the right to know
7.
I fell out of oz straight into training bras I got a job, and my boyfriend was all the magazine said that he ought to be Then I kissed a girl, and she kissed me back Suddenly my world was under attack, but oh the forces were me. Silly me. I know some men are tall I’ve seen them all scraping skies – look up Some men are small, just ask my thighs. Oh my my my. I may very well be just a pretty young thing But you seem to be into that kind of thing So I play my award winning line – and you’re mine From places I shouldn’t mention I think you know what the signs are At least I hope you do if I’ve to show you well honey, we won’t get far I’ve no right to complain to you, you walk much rougher terrain than I do But if it’s all the same – do you mind if I cry? I could use a good cry She broke my heart in exactly two places, subsequently in a million small pieces Easily mistaken for dust and swept under the rug Here she comes – America. See that banner wave Here she comes – America. But there’s no one left to save.
8.
The Next Bed 04:41
In the summer she was a runner, she was fast But now she’s walking on her hands From the bathroom back to her bed Where her mind is willing living but her body is willing dead Yup, she’s throwing up blood and bile every half hour Slipping into sleep in between Her hair is wet with sweat the air is scared and sour She’s twelve but she won’t see thirteen And in the next bed another bald head soon will wake To find a Frankenstein body in her once perfect body’s place Try to find a reason for this, try to find a reason Down the hall another screaming call Some kid for his mom ‘because he’s scared Yes he woke up alone went to reach for the phone But he couldn’t ‘because his arm’s not there And she closes her eyes to the sound as he dies But she was told to be a brave girl She thinks a brave girl never cries In the next bed another bald head soon will wake To find that in the night another one was taken away Try to find a reason Welcome home – “yes it’s like home” she says five years later It’s almost comforting how familiar the sterile walls and halls are Not to mention the men in white coats Who bookend their bad news with bad jokes They say “you’ve done pretty well kid at least better than most did”. And it’s true so she feels endlessly grateful But sometimes her survival seems shameful ‘Cause she tries to find a reason, don’t try to find a reason.
9.
London First 03:52
She came to me in a dream Like a seed planted, or a bomb, rather She said “you better hurry up and leave ‘Because it’s borrowed time you’re on hon.” So I’m having a famous blue raincoat moment As I am trying to write you As I like where I’m living, as I will be forgiving Poets they tell me all that I need is the soft London rain that falls at my feet Forming in puddles but oceans they seem, and I am swimming across lost in their deep We sail through the city we head for the airport I know I’ll lose it if I’m not careful My arms around him I can’t take him with me Baby I love you so let’s do this quickly And now they tell me all that I need is the Vancouver sun that falls in my dreams Slowly becoming a soft summer night and I am drifting across lost in its light I’m hoping that this time there will be some changes And this time they’ll come from the inside out Leaving is one thing, forgetting’s another And I can’t erase you my lingering lover.
10.
I thought that I heard you thought I understood But I see now I never could And I thought I could help you fight your battles But I can just love you and hope that it matters I thought if I climbed to the top of your mountain I’d share in the view of what you see as small But I’m standing here at the top of your mountain And all I can see is how far you fall Nothing is how I thought it would be – that’s another point for naivety But what changed is what I was sure would stay the same I’m no good at this game I thought I was a warrior thought I could be fierce But I hid in the bathroom I covered my ears And I thought I could scream at the top of my lungs But I try to scream – nothing comes I thought all this shit was so important but now it’s clear: Only one thing matters to me and he isn’t here Nothing is how I tried to make it be – that’s another point for futility I thought that I got it, thought I’d die in peace But as it stands I will be lucky if I get some sleep
11.
Habitual 04:00
In the truth that daylight brings I won’t wake you up I’ll just find my things And try not to trip on all these no strings Well. The faces change but the fact remains I just stay the same, untouched and estranged But the less of I know of you will be the less I have to let go of You know that I’m just passing through so don’t show me love You trace the lines on my back Ask “when did you do that? And what does it mean?” I am trying not to cry ‘cause that little butterfly says a little too much about I And the less you know of this will be the less you’ll have to let go of You know that I’m just passing through so I can’t show you love But something is wrong I feel that something is wrong Even the safety of this song can’t keep me from that Just for the sake of taking a break, just for the sake of change Let’s just say that I’m okay – kay? I will not be denied the chance to do this right So let’s call it a night The less I know of you will be the less I’ll have to let go of You know that I’m just passing through, so I can’t show you love.
12.

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released December 13, 2005

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Christa Couture Toronto, Ontario

“A remarkable chanteuse, singing superb material,” deems Roots Music of Christa Couture, an award-winning indie artist who has built a reputation for transforming tragedy into musical triumph, with sharp-shooting wit, effortless grace, and heart-on-sleeve intensity. ... more

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